Really Bad Bird Jokes
[For more bad jokes visit Petey the Parrot on any Thayer Birding Software DVD.]
A duck walks into a drug store and buys a chapstick. The clerk says, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill!"
Two vultures were in the desert eating a dead clown. The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Did you hear about the newly discovered red-phase owl. It was found in San Francisco sittin’ on the dock of the bay. Scientists are not sure what the common name will be, but the scientific name is Otus Redding.
A Blue Jay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he'd be able to get rid of the Jay with "the candidate must be bilingual!" The Jay replied "Meow!!"
I understand that a crow has one less pinion feather than a raven. Therefore how do you tell a crow from a raven? It's a matter of opinion.
Judge: young man, it says here you shot and killed a California Condor. How do you plead? Defendant: Guilty your honor. Judge: GUILTY!? Don't you know how endangered these condors are? There are hardly any left at all. Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we're so poor. Judge: That's no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way, what does California Condor taste like? Defendant: It's real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle and Whooping Crane!
Question: Why do hummingbirds hum? Answer: Because they don't know the words.
What do you get when a Rooster mates with a vegetable? CHICK PEAS
Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chickens foot.
What do you get when you cross a bird with a comedian? JAY LENO!
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer: To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!
Question: What does a 1,000 lb. canary say? Answer: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!
What do you get when you run over a bird with your lawnmower? Shredded Tweet!
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't! You get down off a duck.
A magician was performing on cruise ship and each night while performing his pet parrot keeps saying "its up his sleeve" " its in his pocket". "its in his shoe". "in his pants" etc and the magician was loosing his patience. one night while performing his tricks the ships boilers blew and the ship sank, the lucky magician was able to grab onto a ships table and float on the sea for a few days. the parrot in the mean time seemed non plussed and was looking quizzically at the magician for a few days whilst drifting. On the 4th day the parrots looks at his master and says "I give up... what did you do with the ship?"
Not a joke but a true story! My birding mentor's 14 year old daughter had taken a message for her father while he was out. When he returned, this is what he got. "Daddy, Mr Jones called, he said the Upland Plovers were in at the airport but I'm sorry, I failed to get the flight number".
Two old men went out on a fishing trip with a wise old skipper. Shortly after leaving the dock two laughing gulls flew over their craft and one decided to let its' intestinal contents free. The excrement landed on the bald head of one of the fishermen. The other old man exclaimed "Don't get upset. Stay right here and I'll go fetch some toilet paper". The skipper replied, "No need for that. By the time you return the birds will have flown away".
Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side of the line is longer than the other? Know why that is? There's more ducks in it.
What is gray? A melted penguin.
Why do birds fly south? Because it is too far to walk!
What is a bird after he is five days old? Six days old!
Why does a stork stand on one leg? Because if he took the other leg off the ground he would fall on the ground!
Q: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? A: I'll tell you tomorrow!
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing?" The parrot replies, "In France, there are millions of them!"
This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says,"I want you to take those penguins to the zoo right now!" The guy says, "O.K." Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says,"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy answers, "Yeah, that's right, we went and had a helluva time. We're going to the beach today!"
Two duck hunters out on the marsh duck hunting. One says to the other, "we're not having much luck today getting any ducks." The other one says, " maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."
A mother bird, a daddy bird and their baby bird were getting ready to migrate. The mother bird said, "My instincts tell me to go north." The daddy bird said, "My instincts tell me to go south." The baby bird said,"My end stinks too, but it doesn't tell me where to go!"
Q. How do you catch a unique bird? A. Unique up on it. Q. How do you catch a tame bird. A. Tame way -- unique up on it.
A man went swimming on Galveston Island, he left his watch with his shoes. A bird ate his watch and flew away, he chased it into a large flock of birds. Grabbing a rock, he started towards the flock. When a cop stopped him, he stated "One of those birds ate my watch, I'm leaving no tern unstoned until I find it".
It seems the United States' FAA has a unique device for testing windshield strength on airplanes. It is a gun that fires a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at about the same speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the impact, it could survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British wanted to test the device on a new highspeed locomotive they are developing, so they borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken, and fired. The bird not only shattered the windshield, but also went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The stunned Brits asked the FAA to re-check the procedure to see if they had missed something. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and came back with just one recommendation. "Thaw the bird out first."
What happens to a duck when he flies upside down? He quacks up.
It is easy to determine if someone is committed to a cause or just involved. Consider the case of the bacon and egg breakfast. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed!
Q: What does duck eat with his soup? A: Quackers
A pigeon was pacing up and down anxiously in Central Park when he saw his friend hop up on the curb. "Where have you been, I've been waiting here for hours?" The new arrival looked around him and said, "It was such a nice day, I said to myself -- what the heck, I'll walk!"
A man walked into the office of a talent agent on the 72nd floor of a skyscraper. "I've got a great act," he tells the agent. "Just watch this." The man opens the window, perches on the ledge and starts flapping his arms. Then he pushes off and flys around outside the window executing intricate aerobatic maneuvers. Having finished his demonstration, the man flaps in to a perfect landing on the window sill and steps back into the agent's office. "What do you think of that?" he asked the agent. The talent agent yawned. That's it? Bird imitations?"
A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He froze in his tracks and waited. He started walking again, and again the voice came "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU". Finally the burglar's eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. "What's your name," he asked the parrot. "Bonzo" said the parrot. "Who gave you that stupid name" sneered the burglar. "The same guy who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
So there is this parrot and he knows a bunch of swear words and the owner says , "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to sick you in the freezer." So the parrot starts swearing and the guy puts him in the freezer. The parrot continues cussing up a storm but after a few minutes the parrot suddenly stops. The guy says "Will you stop swearing now?" and the parrot says "I'll stop, but first I want to know what the chicken did."
An old sea captain with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a black patch over one eye is telling a kid how he got his injuries: "It was a big sea battle, lad. A cannonball flew across the deck and took off me leg. Later a doctor friend fixed me up with this wooden one." "How did you lose your hand?" asks the kid. "The same battle, lad. The pirates, they boarded me ship and their captain, he whacked off me hand with his cutlass. Later, the doctor friend gave me this hook." The kid says. "I guess you lost your eye in the same battle." "No". says the captain. "I was looking up one day, and a seagull crapped right in me eye." "Gee" says the kid "You mean the seagull crap blinded you?." "No" the captain replies,"First day with me new hook."
A man went into a pet shop and said 'have you got any birds?' the shop keeper replied 'Yes, we have three birds, a square bird, a circle bird and a triangle bird.' 'I think I'll take the square bird.' 'OK, here's your bird but keep it away from other shapes.' So the man took the bird to a square home in a square car. Then he found the bird a square cage and put it in a square room with square objects in it. Soon the bird learned to talk so his master had a party in the bird's honor. When everyone was quiet the bird gave a little talk so everyone gave it a round of applause and the bird died!
Two turkey vultures were preparing to migrate north for the summer but, after talking about it, they decided they were too old to fly all that way, so they decided to take a plane. When they were about to board the aircraft, the flight attendant, noticing that both buzzards were carrying a dead armadillo, asked, "Would you like to check those armadillos through as luggage?" "No thanks," the buzzards replied, "they're carrion."
Q: what type of bird was seen over the Chesapeake Bay? A: a bagel!
Why does a chicken coop have only 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a sedan.
Q. How do you know if you are a birder? A. You might be a birder if you have ever faked your own death to attract vultures.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross back? He was a dirty double-crosser!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chickens day off.
A man goes to his local bank and asks for a loan to start a chicken farm. The loan official asks him what exactly the loan is for-it is to buy new chicks. The loan is okayed but a week later the man is back, seeking another loan to buy new chicks. The loan officer asks "What happened to the first batch of chicks?", to which the man replies, "I don't know! I can't figure out if I'm planting them too close together or too far apart."
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...the one flies over and the other one swims through -- which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
Two statisticians went duck hunting. A mallard flew overhead and one statistician fired just to the right of the bird. The other statistician fired just to the left of the bird. They turned to each other in glee, and congratulated each other... "On average, he's dead!", they cried! The mallard continued his migration.
From the late Red Skelton: Two seagulls, Gertude and Heathcliff are standing around. Gertrude says, "have you seen the new 1999 cars?" Heathcliff says, "yeah, I just spotted one!"
Three birds were walking down the street. Two walked into a bar, the other one ducked!
This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks in a pleasant voice, "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no response from the bird. Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts, "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID MORONIC BIRD? CAN YOU TALK?" The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"
Q: What do you get when you cross a Golden Eagle with a razor? A: A Bald Eagle!
At the local zoological park, there worked a very old keeper. He had worked at the zoo for so long, he had only two responsibilities. The first was to care for the zoo's male lion. This lion was so magnificent, the Governor had proclaimed it the state lion. The second was to care for the zoo's porpoise. This porpoise had lived at the zoo for years. In fact, nobody knew exactly how old the porpoise was, and everyone simply called it the immortal porpoise. It was thought that the secret to the porpoise's long life was its daily diet of young gulls, fed to it by the zookeeper. Well, one day the keeper came into work and went down to the dock to collect the gulls to feed the porpoise. At the dock, he saw the lion (who had escaped from his cage during the night) stretched out across the dock, asleep. Panicking slightly, the zookeeper decided to creep quietly across the lion, get the gulls, feed the porpoise and then get help to capture the lion. So, he carefully stepped over the lion and filled his bucket full of the young gulls. As he carefully crossed back over the lion.....he was arrested!!!! He was caught crossing the state lion, with young gulls, for an immortal porpoise!!
Two crows are sitting on a fence, when a jet-fighter doing training maneuvers roars overhead. 1st crow says wistfully "Man, I sure wish I could fly that fast!" 2nd crow remarks "If you had two butts, and both of them were on fire, you could!"
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Sigmund Freud: As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its mother. The road symbolizes the barrier presented by the cultural taboo.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Plato: For the greater good.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Because of Satan's influence. Crossing the road is heresy. The chicken must confess to its sins in order to be saved. I'll call another Inquisition.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost. The chicken would be lost!
E.O. Wilson: Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the transfer of a behavioral trait whereby some chickens sought to distance themselves from rivals, thereby distinguishing them in the eyes of potential mates and increasing their reproductive potential.
Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.
Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs sent shivers of a dark despair into the souls not only of the silently watching hens but also the roosters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at midnight, struck by a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused roosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courageous chicken-hero, whose wine blood was deliciously drunken by the road, and he died.
Johnny Cochran: The chicken never crossed the road. Some chicken-hating, genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.
Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.
Lord Nelson: "I see no chicken."
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
John Wayne: "'Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do."
William Shakespeare: Tell me where lies fancy's egg, In the breast or in the leg?
Douglas MacArthur: In order to return.
Richard Nixon: This isn't about roads and chickens. I don't think you quite understand that what you believe I may have meant isn't what you think I said.
Book of Genesis: God said, "Let there be chicken"; and there was chicken. Then God said, "Let there be road"; and there was road. And God commanded, "Let the one be taken to the far side thereof." And it was done. And God looked upon His work and saw that it was good.
Sirs William Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan: To verify through measurement and research explorational, Asserted widths and properties of highways transportational. And thus through brain and intellect did prove itself, this animal, To be the very model of a modern chicken-general.
Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Sophocles: It wanted to be close to its Mom.
And my favorite...
Dr. Sheldon Cooper: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.
Have any more really good bird jokes? Email them to pete at thayerbirding.com